It’s that time of year again — another birthday. And although it’s been over 30 years (time flies), I remember my 30th birthday is if it was yesterday. It was another lesson in self-love.
At the time I was married to narcissist #1, who was prone to temper tantrums if he didn’t get his way. However, the marriage had started in the usual whirlwind way with love-bombing and great times, followed by a complete change in personality shortly afterward.
I had no idea who I was actually married to anymore, since his behavior changed in a way that I didn’t see coming. He simply wasn’t the same person I had married, and it was traumatic.
Then my birthday came around, and since it was near Christmas I thought I would invite my in-laws over for dinner. (Yep, even though it was my 30th birthday I wanted to have a holiday celebration and cook for them.) It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
And of course, my ex had to go off somewhere to play sports while I stayed at home to clean and prepare a holiday meal. And I went to great lengths to make things look nice: Even scrubbing carpet stains on my hands and knees because I wanted everything to be perfect.
I started in the morning, and spent hours between the cleaning and dinner preparation. Then 5pm came around, and I received a phone call from my mother in-law. She told me they wouldn’t be coming over, and the reason behind it didn’t make sense to me.
At the time, I was holding a hot pot in my right hand, with the phone in my left hand, and I was so surprised by what she said that I sat the pot on the counter. And It left a permanent burn spot.
My heart sank when I realized I had wasted my special day; working to make things nice for others, only to have them not appreciate it. (And not even show up for it.)
So it became a lesson in self-love. It was an important moment when I realized that I had to consider my own wants and needs first. And ever since then, I never cook or clean on my birthday. I always make it special for ME.
I never again want to feel the frustration and disappointment of thinking of others, at a time when I should have put myself first. And I want this for others too.
I want for others to realize that it’s important to treat themselves as well as they treat everyone else. To stop people-pleasing, and to be your own best friend. Because when you do, you fill your own cup first; and then, you can be there even more strongly for others.
As for my marriage, it blew up shortly afterward. However, it wasn’t my last lesson in self-love (and it wasn’t my last marriage to a narcissist). This is something that has shown up in my life time and time again as a reminder to myself.
It’s that classic moment that lets us know that we need to make a change; and when we go down the rabbit hole of people-pleasing again, another lesson comes along as a reminder.
So take care of you this holiday season. Don’t overdo it, and don’t burn yourself out. Be the hero in your own life, because even when you go above and beyond to make things special for others, they may not even notice.
Nurture yourself first.
PS: Are you ready to love yourself or attract authentic love in the New Year? Schedule your complimentary call with me, and we’ll make a plan for you based on your challenges and your vision for the year ahead (and receive some animal wisdom as a bonus).
