Are you struggling to let go of a narcissist? You’re not alone, and it happens to the best of us; including myself.
You know on some level that the marriage or relationship is toxic. You know that it’s not really good for you. But you stay stuck because of the awesome memories of when things were good.
Those times when you were put high on a pedestal and told how amazing you were. When the words and actions of the narcissist somehow filled a void in your life, and maybe you thought you’d found your soulmate.
And because it felt so amazing, you were willing to do almost anything for them, especially if you’re a sensitive empath. That’s because it feels good to help others; particularly someone that seems like the love of your life.
So the memories of the good times keep you in it, and maybe you’re hoping things will go back to the way they once were. You also might be staying in it because you don’t want to fail, especially if you’ve been married before and never want to divorce again. (Been there, done that.)
You might be feeling guilty around how you got into the relationship in the first place. After all, narcissists are great at luring us out of other relationships, as it boosts their ego in some twisted way because it somehow validates they must be better than the other person you were with.
Sometimes we feel like we “made our bed” and now we have to “lay in it”. So we stay because we feel an obligation to ourselves.
And then there’s the ever-present trauma bond. This is the queen of all reasons why we stay stuck in a narcissistic marriage or relationship.
When we’re in it we actually feel attached to the narcissist after emotional trauma; followed by positive reinforcement. This is where we really lose ourselves from the manipulation.
Case in point: I spoke to a group of women about reclaiming their power after narcissistic divorce. There was a woman in the audience who was recently divorced after many years of being married to a narcissist.
Throughout the presentation she agreed with how insidious it is to be married to a narcissist, how awful they are, and spoke about the horrendous mental and emotional abuse she suffered because of it. You could hear the anger in her voice and see it in her body language.
So I asked if she had gone “no contact” with her ex-husband, and she said that she’s still “friends” with him. This seemed shocking after everything she said. But to those who don’t understand the vice grip of a trauma bond, the evidence was clear: She couldn’t let go of him, regardless of the abuse.
So how DO you break free? The trauma and manipulation from a narcissist runs deep. Extremely deep, in fact. It’s in the subconscious level of the mind; and simply talking about it, watching videos and reading books just doesn’t go deep enough.
Targeted tools for healing that goes to the soul level is what’s needed. Alleviating the stress, fight or flight symptoms and deep-seated trauma healing is the only way to work through it; especially if you want relief sooner than later.
Unfortunately, if you’ve been in it for a long time, it may feel so familiar to you that it’s hard to let go of that bond. If it’s what you’ve known for many years, it may seem impossible to break through that barrier.
But when you get out of it, you look back and wonder why you stayed for so long. In fact, not getting out sooner is a top regret of the women I’ve worked worth, as they feel they wasted years tolerating the abuse. And you get that perspective that you can only get when you’re on the other side of the trauma bond and then things become crystal clear.
No matter who you are or what’s happened in your past, you don’t deserve the abuse of the narcissist. Instead, you deserve the validation and support to help you move forward with confidence and gaining trust in yourself again. You can begin the healing process when you’re willing to have even a little faith in yourself.
PS: Ready to talk about the challenges you’re facing and get support? In my complimentary Time to Trust call, we’ll assess your situation and make a plan to help you reclaim your life and peace. Simply pick a time here and answer a few questions. I’d love to help you.
