If you’re going through a divorce with a narcissist, you know how insidious it is. Nope, this isn’t your average divorce. (I’ve been there myself.)
Of course divorce normally entails negotiating all of the details of who gets what, and there can be frustrating moments. Sometimes we disagree, and there’s strong emotions involved.
After all, divorce is a loss. There’s grief to be experienced; and it’s almost like the death of a person, except the person is still alive.
But there’s much more to the narcissistic divorce. You might say it’s an entirely different “animal”.
You’re coming out of a situation where you’ve been mentally and emotionally abused. The scars are deep, but they’re not visible. And it feels like it should be illegal; but it isn’t, which only ads to your feeling of disbelief.
And it’s even more painful when even close friends and family aren’t quite sure if the abuse you experienced was all that bad. After all, there’s no broken bones or bruises as evidence. This makes it all the more painful.
You find yourself in a “trauma bond”, where even though it can be the worst relationship on the planet, it’s still hard to break away. From “love bombing” to being “gaslighted” (from being put on a pedestal to being completely torn down), you’re left in a state of exhaustion.
Your self-worth is at rock-bottom, and you’re spinning your wheels in the remains of a marriage that you thought was a soulmate relationship. So how does this lead to deep and lasting costs when it comes to divorce? Let’s look at what those costs are:
- Time: The goal of the narcissist is to keep you in a repeating pattern. It’s a loop of “throwing you a bone” of a little fake love; such as telling you they miss you, sending you photos (even when they’re with the new “supply”), and any other tricks that tug at your heartstrings. Only to torture you with more manipulation, and they keep you stuck in the situation so they can do what they love best: Play cat-and-mouse games. Because in some disgusting way, it helps to keep their mind off of their own internal misery. (So if they lose the game, they might have to face themselves; and that would be scary.)
- Sanity: Through all of the craziness, you wonder if you’ve completely loss the plot. After all, you’ve never been this manipulated before. The narcissist might also have you believing that YOU’RE the narcissist and not them, and you’re now questioning yourself. (Although if you were a narcissist, you wouldn’t believe it.) So your head spins like a top as you try to sort out the lies as the truth bombs fall after the breakup, and you wonder how you ever got into this nightmare. You may be thinking “I must be crazy because I feel so much shame that I ever got into this mess in the first place.” Yes, narcissistic abuse should be illegal; if only you can prove it.
- Energy: These games feel like you’re on a roller coaster inside of a blender; never knowing when they’re going to press your buttons, while you’re on the scary emotional ride. The result is shear exhaustion. The divorce battle can drag on for months if not years because you’re stuck in the trauma bond with them, causing you to feel completely drained and possibly unable to function. (You can end up unable to hold down a job or work in your business because you’re so mentally and emotionally drained.) This leads to the next great cost:
- Money: The narcissist will cost you money at every turn, and when it comes to divorce; they love to drag it on. Since money is energy and they’re an energy vampire, it’s going to cost you. (And it probably already cost a pretty penny during the marriage as you kept up with their demands in an attempt to try to keep them happy.) And in a divorce, they’ll agree to disagree and keep things going for as long as possible. This not only costs in the area of legal expenses, but they can keep you blocked from accessing funds that are rightfully yours, or spending money that they shouldn’t while the divorce is in process. (Among other things.)
So how do you break free from the insanity? The key is to cut the mental, physical and emotional cord with them and heal the trauma bond. This needs to happen so you can break the emotional and energetic tie that’s binding you to this abusive, pathological liar. Otherwise, it could drag on endlessly.
But because of your weakened state, it’s very difficult to do it on your own. It may seem counterintuitive when the money and time are being drained from you already and you feel you “can’t afford” help, but these things will continue to drain you on every level of your existence when you don’t take action. So it’s important to “nip it in the bud” now.
It’s time to get the support you need to break free from from the toxic bond, heal the trauma and get your energy back so you can stop the money “blood-letting” and preserve your finances, energy, time and sanity. After all, the self-love that’s so desperately needed to turn the ship around can begin when you take the first step to getting the right support.
Ending the carnage of the energy vampire known as a narcissist requires the proverbial “silver bullet” of tools that will finally stop the abuse and bring sanity to the situation. So, let go and love yourself: Do it before you’ve lost yourself even more, and it becomes harder to get yourself back.
PS: Ready to reclaim your life and peace? Schedule your complimentary Time to Thrive call. During this session, we’ll assess the vision for our life and make a plan to move past the challenges and step into empowerment. If it’s a fit to do more work together, I’m committed to helping you achieve your vision.
