Breaking contact with a narcissist isn’t easy. And when you’re going through a divorce with a narcissist, you feel you need to stay in contact with them in order to get through the process. (Not to mention, letting go is hard.)
After all, this is someone you loved deeply. You had hopes and dreams with them and possibly many years of memories. There can be children involved, and various assets that need to be sorted through.
And the games from the narcissist can get even more insidious as you try to go through the process. Notice the word “try”, because you can feel like you’re “beating your head against the wall” in complete frustration.
Legal processes and dividing things should be simple, right? But not so much with the narcissist. This is because they love to play games to take their mind off their own inner pain. (And they’ll try to hold on and not let go, even if they say they want to.)
And if they try to let go of you, then they might have to face the demons within themselves, and that would be painful. So they toy with you in their cat-and-mouse game, and you spin your wheels in frustration; getting more and more exhausted.
The problem is you assume that you’re dealing with a reasonable person that you can rationalize with; but unfortunately, that’s not the case. The more you engage with them, the more difficult and complicated it gets.
It’s like the Chinese finger puppet that you try to pull yourself out of: The more your pull, the tighter and harder it gets to break free. So you find yourself spinning your wheels in dealing with the narcissist.
And since you’re empathetic; you don’t want to be abrupt and “hurt” them because that’s the kind of person you are. So you stay stuck in the toxic loop of communication.
Also, you’re used to caring about others. And breaking off communication may seem like a careless thing to do, even if they’re hurting you mentally, emotionally and possibly financially.
But here’s the truth: In order to preserve your sanity and not become completely destroyed by their abusive behavior, there comes a time when you need to let go. And the painful trauma bond makes letting go very difficult.
This is something I support my clients through: Cutting off communication, and handing all communication to a lawyer, mediator, or whomever is best to deal with the narcissist. Because when you finally let go, it starts the process of getting the narcissist to let go as well.
On the other hand, when you believe you can begin the healing process while you’re still dealing with the narcissist; you’ve fooled yourself. It’s simply not possible to close the wound and heal when the narcissist keeps opening the wound back up again.
So letting go is hard because you sense the grief process is coming, and no matter how mean the narcissist can be; you still grieve the loss of what once was. You still go through the denial, anger, depression and any other emotions that suddenly surface in your heart.
It’s even harder grieving for someone who’s living and breathing, and also the confusion of the trauma bond that makes you feel like you’re crazy. And yet breaking it off is necessary.
But before you attempt it, make sure you have the right support. You’ll need someone who can help you through the maze of letting go, and sending the narcissist to someone who can deal with the narcissist as a sort of “conduit” of communication.
Like the ads say “don’t try this at home”, and when it comes to divorce with a narcissist it should say “don’t attempt this alone” because the process does get tricky. You’ll want to have the support that’s needed to cut the cord, heal deeply and move on to a life that’s as special as you are.
And the hardest part is believing you deserve it because the narcissist has beat you down on every level of your mind, body and soul. But you can do it, and you’ll find your strength with help along the way.
PS: Are you a woman 50+ who’s coming out of a narcissistic marriage and would like to reclaim your sanity and your life? Book your complimentary Time to Thrive call with me to discuss your challenges, goals and options.
