Divorce often comes as a surprise; after all, we didn’t get married to just end it. And it’s an even bigger surprise when it’s with a narcissist, because the marriage to the narcissist starts out with a big “bang” but ends in big “bombs”. (Big old truth bombs, that is).
The beginning of the narcissistic relationship is very intense, with us believing that the narcissist must be our soulmate. After all, they tell us how perfectly amazing we are, and the idealizing from the narcissist is intoxicating.
And because it’s supposed to be “‘til death do us part”, we try to hang in there as long as possible. In fact, we’re often caught in a trauma bond that keeps us stuck and spinning our wheels inside the emotional blender of the toxic narcissistic relationship.
Sometimes we get unexpectedly discarded when the narcissist tires of us and finds their next “supply”. Or if we’re lucky, we have enough energy left after all of the gaslighting to get a lawyer and file for divorce.
Either way, the emotional roller coaster drains us on every level of our being, as we attempt to navigate the divorce process. We struggle to break contact from the narcissist, and they push our buttons in every way possible; which is infuriating.
They can also lead us to believe that they still want us in their life while they tug at our heart strings, and at the same time they’re carrying on a relationship with someone else and bragging about it elsewhere. It’s incredibly insidious.
And to those of us who are going through a divorce with a narcissist later in life (I’ve been there in my 50s), it can seem even more draining. Will we ever bounce back? Will we ever reclaim our identity, especially if the marriage has lasted for decades?
As hopeless as it may seem, there’s another side of the coin and here it is: This can become the BEST time of your life. Why? Because you’re wiser and stronger than you know.
Yes, scar tissue really is stronger, and the whole experience actually shows you how tough you really are. Although, it doesn’t feel like it when you’re feeling angry, drained and triggered by everything around you.
But the truth is you’ve probably been through many “bumps” in the road of life, and have grown resilient because of it. You’re no longer lacking the wisdom of the person you were years ago.
You’ve got insight into life and the world around you, and you’re better off because of it. And all of your wisdom has put you in a position to make wiser choices.
It’s also a freeing time to start doing things that you’ve wanted to do for years, but couldn’t do because of the narcissist. This is a time to create your next great chapter in life, and experience the freedom that you didn’t have before.
You can now paint the beautiful masterpiece of a future that suits you to a “T”. And it may not feel this way right now because your world can seem like it’s crumbling around you, and your identity was tied up in the relationship.
But don’t be fooled by your current circumstances. This moment is a speedbump in the road of life that’s very jarring, but it doesn’t last. This is the time to reclaim your life and sanity with support.
Because no matter how “mature” you are, humans benefit from the support of those who’ve been down that road. There’s wisdom and insight to be gained from those that go before you.
It validates your experience, and let’s you see the possibility of what lies on the other side of the harrowing mental and emotional abuse, and just outside of a narcissistic relationship. You can see things more clearly.
Life is constantly changing, and the way you’re feeling now will shift from day to day. It evolves, and it DOES get better. However, getting support and key tools through the process will help you live a Wise and Thriving life.
PS: Are you a woman 50+ who’s coming out of a narcissistic marriage and would like to reclaim your sanity and your life? Book your complimentary Time to Thrive call with me to discuss your challenges, goals and options.
