Narcissistic Relationship Recovery Self Love

After A Relationship With A Narcissist: What Not To Do

After a relationship with a narcissist, the effects are mind-blowing. (Not to mention what it does to your heart.)

You struggle to cut the cord and let go when they continue to pretend they still love you. You’re having PTSD and feeling like you’ve been through a war, and the fallout of truth bombs are dropping all around you.

You’re in utter shock and disbelief that the love you thought existed, never really did. And it’s like a scary roller coaster that feels like the wheels are going to fly off at any moment.

It’s even worse when mutual friends side with the narcissist, because they’re incredibly “charming”. Then there’s the new supply to replace you that’s apparently better than you. After all, the narcissist loves to brag on social media about their great new life.

At the same time, the paranoid narcissist likes to keep their eye on what you do and say because they want to keep up appearances. (And their “flying monkey” friends make your life a living hell with their own form of abuse.)

The narcissist may even try to keep you in their “garage” in case they want you later, making it harder to break free. This keeps you in a prison that your mind and heart live in.

Your friends are weary of listening to you wax on about someone who you allowed to treat you so callously for so long. At the same time, you should be glad the relationship ended, but you still find yourself missing them.

If you have children with them, they’re alienating your children from you. They’ve probably created a wedge between you and your family as well, while you’re caught in the insidious trauma bond from all of the gaslighting.

There’s a feeling of complete loneliness, while you’re in “fight or flight” mode. So you do roleplay around what you could have said, or what you shouldn’t have done.

You’re ruminating, with anger and anxiety; and possibly nightmares. You’ve been blaming yourself, and continue to think about the person you thought they were.

You feel like your self-esteem is completely shattered, and you feel angry and sad. Hearing their voice or seeing them creates emotional triggers.

At this point you’re not loving yourself at all, your boundaries are lacking, and you can’t trust your own intuition. What’s even worse is that you don’t even know who you are anymore.

So what SHOULDN’T you do? Don’t beat yourself up. In other words, stop putting yourself down for everything that has happened.

You used your best judgement at the time. You thought it was the greatest thing ever, and instead; it turned out to be a massive lesson in self-love.

We’re all doing the best we can at any give time with the tools we have.

When you continue to beat yourself up, it takes you in the wrong direction: It erodes your self-worth even further. Then you end up getting sick, eating emotionally or any number of other chronic issues.

Let’s face it: When a master-manipulator meets someone who’s sensitive and empathetic, it’s a match made in heaven. (At least for the narcissist.) Because the narcissist doesn’t “feel”, but we certainly do.

So give yourself a break. Do something nice for you. Just because you felt attracted to someone without seeing the horror that lies inside their mind, doesn’t make you a bad person.

It’s perfectly normal to feel the many different feelings that you’re experiencing. Allow yourself to cry, get angry and feel it all.

You’re human, and you’ve learned. Now, how can you turn that lesson into something positive? How can you do things differently going forward?

Healing from something this traumatic takes time, so give yourself some space. Have empathy for yourself as if you were your own best friend, because you are the best person for the job.

PS: Ready to go deep into healing, stepping into your power and getting your life on track ASAP? Schedule a Time to Thrive call with me and we’ll dive into your goals, challenges and options to move forward. Click here to answer a few questions and schedule the call.

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