After a toxic relationship with a narcissist we can get stuck in the rumination cycle: Repetitive thinking and feeling. This can lead to anxiety or depression.
And it’s a vicious cycle of negative emotions which makes us feel worse, and then we ruminate even more.
Blaming ourselves often goes hand-in-hand with rumination, and we can feel guilt, remorse and regret.
I’ve also been asked by people who’ve been in narcissistic relationships if THEY are actually the narcissist, but ironically I doubt a narcissist would begin to think that they could actually be one.
So the answer is most likely “no”.
And how do we ease rumination? Here’s a few tips that I’ve found can help:
- Look for Evidence.
Instead of spending time blaming ourselves, when we uncover the truth about the narcissist; we prove our own suspicions. This validates that we’re NOT the pathological liar.
This is also helpful because we’ve been gaslighted, told we have an anger problem, or any other number of ways the narcissist blames us and makes us feel crazy. Uncovering the truth proves to us that we’re NOT insane after all.
It also helps us to take off the “rose colored glasses” that we’ve been wearing from the love-bombing and idealization that made us believe we were deeply in love with someone (who never actually existed).
In my own experience, after diving into asking questions of family, childhood friends and others who knew things that I didn’t, it helped me to wake up and break the trauma bond so I could move on and heal.
2. Create Space and Boundaries.
This seems like a no-brainer, because the term “no contact” is widely used in narcissistic abuse recovery.
But it’s a great reminder, particularly because we’ve had weak boundaries with the narcissist. And creating boundaries is about choices, and having enough self-worth to know that our boundaries are OUR decision and no one else’s.
In other words: If it doesn’t FEEL right, then it’s time to put up a boundary. But you’ve got to TRUST your intuition.
And trust is a scarce commodity when we believe we made the wrong choice by being with the narcissist in the first place. This erodes our trust in ourselves.
But the truth is, we didn’t know who they really were at the time.
So it’s time to let ourselves off the hook of blame, and trust how we feel; then put our foot down, because boundaries are our friend.
3. Focus on the Present
Bringing ourselves into the present helps to keep us from feeling depressed about the past and anxious about the future.
So, what can you do that’s going to push you to focus on NOW?
Some people hike, bike or do other activities that push them into being fully present.
Crafts, painting and other forms of creativity can help with this as well, because we have to focus on what we’re doing. Whatever activity we choose, it’s a healthy way to get us focused on being in the moment.
4. Practice Self-Care
Practicing self-care (even the little things), demonstrates to us that we’re more important than focusing on the narcissist.
It also helps to build our self-worth, which has been pushed down from the devaluing.
So take a break, breathe and do something for YOU, no matter how small it is.
Think about something you used to do for you and go for it!
5. Find Support
Going it alone, especially after such a toxic and traumatic situation makes it harder to heal and get on track in life.
Getting support doesn’t mean we’re weak; in fact it means that we’re smart because we know that if we receive guidance it helps us to move along in the journey faster and more effectively.
Also, if we don’t get the deep emotional healing we need, we can attract in another narcissistic relationship; leaving us with layers of trauma.
Going through life with old wounds isn’t healthy, and it effects us on every level of our life: Mentally, physically and emotionally.
BONUS TIP: Holistic tools that help us heal on those three levels is an awesome approach to covering all of the bases of healing.
After all, we know that stress can negatively impact our physical health.
My work with clients includes intuitively guided meditation, which is a tool that I love for healing in this area. This helps them to relax, breathe and go to a deep level for lasting and positive change.
It’s a very empowering tool that helps us to take charge of our life in a fast and effective way, because it works more quickly than simply talking about the problem and potential solutions.
The bottom line is if you’re struggling with rumination, focus on the five tips to help guide you on your healing journey and incorporate a holistic approach.
This will help you feel better, build your self-worth and step into your empowered life.
PS: Ready to get the support you need to heal, re-build your confidence live a better life? Schedule a Time to Thrive call with me, and we’ll dive into your struggle, the vision for your life and the solution that’s right for you.
Also, join me for the Free Live virtual event: Navigate Your Path to Empowerment, 3 Keys to Thrive After Narcissistic Relationships. Bring something to write down your “aha moments” and let’s do this together!