After a relationship with a narcissist, It’s easy for us to point the finger at what a terrible person they are. And we’re not wrong.
We may see them as the “lying, cheating scumbag” they are. And it’s all true.
The problem is that if we stay in the mindset of blame, then we stay stuck and disempowered. This is because we’re still giving the narcissist our power by focusing on them.
We’re basically saying that they still have control over us.
And one of the hardest things to do, is to take responsibility for where we’re at, because of the horrible abuse we went through.
There’s a sadness in that (and it’s okay to feel into the sadness and release it.) Crying is a good thing because it actually releases toxins that are in our system.
But we inadvertently ended up in the toxic relationship, and the truth is that the only person we can change is us. (Forget about expecting the narcissist to ever change.)
“Start where you are, no matter what that place is.”
We’re all in different places in life, so simply start where you are.
Forgive yourself, because forgiving the narcissist might not happen in this lifetime. Ask yourself: “If I were my own best friend, what would I say to me?”
Release all guilt, because whatever you’re feeling guilty about; wasn’t intentional or you wouldn’t feel guilty.
When I was in healing arts school we had a saying: “Everyone is doing the best they can at any given time with the tools they have.”
I’m here to add to your “toolbox”.
First of all, have compassion for yourself, and let yourself off the hook.
Then moving forward, put the power in your court. Know that taking responsibility for future life events is one of the best things you can do for yourself.
Let’s talk pity parties.
The worse thing we can do is to get stuck in pity parties. I learned this by watching my dad, and also from a psychologist that I worked with. But sometimes, we accidentally repeat the lesson. I know I did.
You see, my dad was an alcoholic.
I didn’t actually see him for the last 26 years of his life, but I did hear from him (through phone calls and letters that were often traumatic).
And I listened to the pity parties.
He’d talk about how my mom got the house and he didn’t (which happened many years earlier), or how he buried my baby brother in a tiny casket which also happened decades earlier (I’ve lost two babies myself, so I understood the trauma), or anything else that “went wrong” in his life, which of course led to drinking.
I had empathy for his experiences, but the truth is: He wasted all of those years being miserable, and missing out on life.
After all, he could have done something with himself instead of drinking to drown his misery. Not to mention, fixing the fences that desperately needed mending.
This is not to find fault with him, but merely an observation and a lesson on how NOT to be.
You see, there’s a “snowball effect” to negative thinking. Once we start going down the rabbit hole, it keeps building and becomes highly toxic.
And then we can:
- Turn to alcohol.
- Feed our negative emotions with food.
- Take drugs, etc.
- Attract in another narcissist because the love bombing is like a drug.
And it can also manifest into “dis-ease” on many levels of our mind and body.
There have been many times in my own life when I’ve had to fight off the pity party blues. Those of us who come from this type of background in particular, often find that we have to break the ancestral pattern.
And I often mention the time that a psychologist said to me:
“Excuse me, do you have the word ‘doormat’ written on your forehead?”
This happened at a time when I was blaming my then boyfriend for his bad behavior and how it was affecting me. (Since I couldn’t change it and I couldn’t live with it, I realized that I had to move on.)
I learned that having a positive outlook is a daily choice, and having a negative outlook is a bad habit that needs breaking through practice. (We need to catch ourselves when we start going down the rabbit hole.)
And it can be easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for ourselves. But we have the power to change it.
Here’s three ways to stop the toxic pattern of pity parties:
1. Keep a gratitude journal and write in it daily, listing things that you’re grateful for (including being grateful for your own positive qualities) and really FEEL it.
2. Go volunteer. It helps us to feel better when we help others, and to see that just maybe our life isn’t so bad after all.
3. Watch or listen to a comedy. Put a smile on your face and get a good belly laugh; it’s great for your mental and physical health.
There are also empowering things we can do such as physically letting our anger out. Because being angry after a relationship with a narcissist is normal, and we don’t want to bottle it up and be depressed.
Here’s some thoughts around channeling your energy in a healthier way, and you can also get into better shape physically:
1. Punching bags.
2. Kickboxing classes.
3. Martial arts classes.
These are just a few ideas to help you channel that negative energy and get into your power. And if you’re physically not able to do that, then think of ways you can move that energy out.
It may be as simple as journaling it out on paper and then burning it. (I’ve done some burning rituals myself.)
Whatever way you do it, it’s all about standing in your power.
Don’t be a victim, because it won’t serve you.
The bottom line is to focus on YOU. And no, it’s not self-centered to do that. It’s actually a survival tool to get through life in one piece.
Releasing negative energy such as anger, focusing on the positive, staying out of victimhood and pity parties and being aware of our needs and desires empowers us to make the choices that are right for us, and it puts us on track to being authentically who we are.
PS: Are you wanting to heal and get clarity and support to get your life on track after a narcissist? Join the Facebook group, or book your complimentary Clarity Call.
