Healing After A Narcissist Narcissistic Abuse

Are you in a relationship with a narcissist? Here’s how you know.

Narcissistic abuse is one of life’s obscenities.

It’s when someone can look you straight in the eye, charm the pants off of you, and lie through their teeth. (Something you could never do, and didn’t realize there are people who do it very well without you knowing, no matter how smart you are.)

When you’ve been brought to your knees by a narcissist, feeling like an empty, exhausted shell of a human being, while some people are still caught up in their charm and blame you, then you realize how crazy it is.

This isn’t about bitterness. It’s about the truth. (Something that’s hard to come by in a relationship with a narcissist.)

And when it’s over and you’re feeling shell-shocked as if you’ve been through a war, the truth bombs will continue to drop around you.

This can include other people that were in a relationship with the narcissist — either before or during your relationship, coming out of the woodwork to tell you their mind-blowing stories. (This happened to me; but at least it allowed me to fully let go, because when you’re their “supply”, you’re too blinded to see the reality of it all.)

First things first. Here are some characteristics of a narcissist:

  1. Grandiosity (talking big about themselves).
  2. Anger & Rage (may not show up early on, but be aware of it).
  3. Lying (another one that may not be obvious, but watch out for things that aren’t making sense).
  4. Lack of Empathy (it’s all about them).
  5. Jealousy (this is an insecure person).
  6. Manipulation (loss of your own power).
  7. Seductive (which can be intoxicating).
  8. Emotionally Cold (when you realize they’re not capable of real love).
  9. Doesn’t take responsibility (their stories of the past can show this. How did they treat their kids?)
  10. Infidelity (Can you spot this?)
  11. Don’t Listen (they prefer to listen to themselves).
  12. Careless (not really caring).
  13. Admiration Seeking (covers up their insecurities).
  14. Poor Boundaries (they had poor boundaries as a child. They can take advantage of your lack of boundaries as well).
  15. Entitlement (it’s their right to have it all — including what’s yours).
  16. Projection (project their negative thoughts on someone else, such as accusing you of cheating).
  17. Fragile ego (their self-esteem is inconsistent and they need admiration) This also affects their temper.
  18. Greedy (They’re trying to fill a hole).
  19. Controlling
  20. Gaslighting (they make you question yourself).
  21. Unpredictable (they can be grumpy but then light up when you go to a party).
  22. Paranoid (they want to know what you’re up to, particularly around infidelity).
  23. Doesn’t like being alone (they have continuous relationships).
  24. Hypersensitivity (they’re watching out for any criticism).
  25. Takes advantage of others (often financially).
  26. Vanity (appearance for admiration: clothing, hair, etc.) They may want YOU to look a certain way.
  27. Lack of insight and guilt. (They don’t get their impact on other people, including their infidelity and they will blame others.)

Next, let’s talk about being in a relationship with a narcissist.

The three stages of a relationship with a narcissist are: Idealize, Devalue, Discard

The first phase (Idealize) includes the ever-popular technique of “love bombing”. This is where they hit you from every which way with how enamored they are with you, how they can’t live without you, you’re the love of their life and they’ll love you forever and a day, etc.

You feel euphoric, as if you’ve been put on the highest pedestal known to man. They make you feel like a Goddess (or God), which digs down deep into your soul, keeping you devoted to the relationship to the point that when the second phase hits, you’re in total disbelief).

It’s so extreme that it seems too good to be true, which it is. You see, the narcissist wants to believe that you ARE the greatest thing ever because it makes THEM feel good about themselves.

It can all seem so genuine and sincere, to the point where it seems impossible to believe that it was all a farce (which it was). Because of this, you may stay stuck in the relationship for years, waiting for this short but sweet period of the relationship to come back. (This phase normally lasts less than a year.)

If this sounds familiar my friend; get out now before you’re self worth is trampled on, no matter how difficult it may seem. If it’s true love, it will come back to you.

The second phase (Devalue) is where you’re being put down, and mind games are being played such as gaslighting and “gotcha” games. (Gaslighting is where they manipulate what you say and have you questioning your sanity; you may feel like you need to record the conversations to validate what was being said).

The gotcha game is where they push your buttons, say nasty s**t about you and make you angry (even though you were feeling perfectly calm at the time) so they can say “look how bad YOUR behavior is!”. GOTCHA!

When you’re in the devaluing stage, it’s a case of losing your identity, smashing your confidence and feeling like you’ve lost your sanity all together.

All the while they’re draining you; mentally, emotionally and financially. They’re master manipulators.

Why do they do this? Because they realize that you’re not as perfect as they had themselves believing, so now it’s time to find a replacement that’s going to succumb to their charm and whose energy they can drain.

The third and final phase (Discard) is where they’ve lined up their next energy “supply” behind your back, so they can jump ship, discard you and move on (often showing off on social media about how their great new life is, while you’re left to pick up the pieces.)

They do this because they can’t stand to be alone with themselves (they may have to listen to the negative chatter in their own mind), they want to be taken care of, and they need a constant source of appreciation to make their fragile ego feel good.

The moral of the story is: Get out while you can rather than take the final blow.

It’s insane.

But the truth is, it’s not about them.

It’s about us becoming self-empowered, letting go of blame (and the narcissist), and creating a great life. (Which is the best revenge, isn’t it?)

P.S. Looking to heal and get your life on track after a relationship with a narcissist? Click Here to schedule your complimentary Clarity Call with Kathleen.

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